


I Dont Want to be Alone

by That_Adorable_Fox



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Bullying, Character Death, Depression, Happy Ending, Mention of Child Abuse, Multi, Sad Ending, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, hurt and barely any comfort, ignore the earlier tags, like; really bad bullying, there will be fluff I promise, this is gonna get rough
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-27
Updated: 2019-11-29
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:14:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21583621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/That_Adorable_Fox/pseuds/That_Adorable_Fox
Summary: Damien hates being alone. Damien hates everyone. Damien hates the drunk driver that killed his papa. Damien hates planes. Damien hates himself.Point is, Damien's got a lot to hate in this world, with nothing and no one to show him the good.(This is a lot better than I make it sound lol. But not much fluffier.)
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders, Morality | Patton Sanders & Deceit Sanders
Comments: 4
Kudos: 74





	1. I Hate Myself

**Author's Note:**

> I was spitballing for the summary lol. Enjoy!

Damien huffed, his breath fogging ever so slightly in front of his face. He wished he had brought a thicker coat for his trek to and from school, but he didn't want to dig through the closet for something that was probably sold months and months ago. He adjusted his backpack and walked down the steps, the cold already stinging his hands.

As he was walking through campus, Damien eyes caught the sight of his old friend, Remus. The boy was chasing his brother on the football field, trying to reach for the ball. The rest of the team trailed behind the twins, cheering on each brother respectively. He tore his eyes away from the field, gripping tighter onto his coat as he slowly shuffled down the campus. 

He was about halfway home when a flash of purple caught his eyes. Damien glanced into a cafe across the street. Virgil, sweet Virgil, was sitting next to a boy with a blue tie and black button down shirt. Jealousy tugged at his heart when he saw that his ex leaning his head on his new boyfriend, a smile that Damien could never coax out of him on his face. He bit his lip and shook his head, turning away and continuing home. 

A light snow began to fall, and the streets seemed far too quiet for a Friday night. His backpack weighed painfully on his shoulder, taunting him with the pounds of homework he needed to complete when he got home. Shivering again, he huddled into his jacket, keeping his head down. Finally, he arrived at his house. Damien took the key from his pocket and opened the door. Somewhat warm air came rushing to meet him as he stepped inside and locked the door. After setting his backpack down and stretching out his shoulders, he made his way to the kitchen. What he saw taped to the fridge made him freeze.

_ Hey, D. I'm out on another business trip...you have the house to yourself for a couple more days. Sorry kiddo!  _

_ But Dee, when you get home, please call me. I got an email from the school about your grades and behaviour in class.  _ A little arrow pointed to the other side of the sticky note. Damien took the note off and turned it over.  _ I'm disappointed in you, Damien. Out of everything you choose to be, you choose to be an asshole.  _

_ -Dad _

The note felt like lead in his hands. He begged them not to call his father, -well, as close to begging as Damien could handle without humiliating himself- and he thought they would drop it. Why did this have to happen, why did everything...why did  _ he _ have to be so  _ wrong!?  _

Damien set the note back on the fridge. He had been so lonely this past month, and so pissed at Virgil and Remus for just up and leaving him for their new friends (and Virgil for his boyfriend).  He couldn't blame them. If Damien had the chance to get far away from himself, he would take it, too. A few angry notes here and there. A little more than a couple angry texts. Muttering curses to Virgil when he passed him in the hallway.  _ Maybe _ a few passive-aggressive nudges to Remus every now and then. And now the only friend he felt like he had in this universe was gone, far far away to New York. But not just gone, gone and probably thinking about what a fuck-up his son was.

_ Dammit.  _ Damien slammed his hand against the countertop, trying to ignore the throbbing pain in his hand. His phone started buzzing, dad. Damien panicked, letting it ring and holding it arm's length away from his body. Shit, fuck! Dad was going to be so mad…Damien was frozen, staring at his dad’s caller ID, calling his phone over and over again. 

_ You know this is your punishment.  _ His mind hissed.  _ Accept the punishment, you pathetic bitch. You deserve every horrible word thrown at you. God you're so disgusting, look at what you’ve done! Now dad’s going to disown you because he knows that you’re a worthless, idiotic piece of shit! I bet he…  _

Damien clicked the answer button. He stared at his phone, eyes watering a little bit more with every sharp barb his thoughts added. 

“Hey, kiddo.” His dad’s voice was soft and gentle. Damien was caught off guard, so caught off that his mind stopped swirling.

“Uh...hi…” he muttered back, scrubbing his eyes hastily as if his father could see him. He bit his lip to suppress a sob.

“Dee…” Damien screwed his eyes shut, ready for his father’s voice to come booming through the phone. “Are you okay?”

He went silent. His legs wobbled and he sat down, against the cabinets. What should he say? Yes? No? What did his dad want? Should he lie? He already knows, why wasn't he pissed!?

A sob escaped his mouth before he could stop it, tears threatening to pour over his eyes.

“Damien? Take some deep breaths, okay kiddo? I just want to know what’s bothering you.” A little ding sounded, and the call turned into a face call. 

Damien pulled the phone away from his ear and hid the camera with his sleeve, using his other hand to try and stifle his crying. 

“I...I miss you...a-and…” Damien struggled for a breath before the tidal wave broke and he was crying all over again. “I...Dad I...I'm so sorry...please, don't be mad, I-I promise I'm sorry!”

His mind was whirling. Anxiety was pooling quickly in his stomach, he hated showing weakness. He hated it so much.

“Hey, buddy, it's okay. Just take a couple deep breaths and tell me what’s going on.” His dad replied, a patient smile on his face, worry in his eyes.

And just like that, Damien’s mouth started running. Everything he had been keeping to himself started coming out in tidal waves. He snapped at Virgil, Virgil got pissed, Virgil got hurt, Virgil broke up with him. Remus didn't show up at lunch, Remus was geeking out with his brother’s friends, Remus yelled about how clingy Damien was, Damien yelled about how much of a bitch Remus was, Remus started ignoring him. Papa’s last breath wouldn't leave him alone, the image of the heart monitor flatlining, and now dad was gone, whisked away to New York where he wouldn't have to deal with Damien and his horrible personality and ugly body. 

“I...I want you to come home.” He whispered, throat raw from crying and talking. “I...I miss you, I miss Virgil and Remus, I don't want to be alone!” He grabbed the nearest object and flung it at the wall.  _ “I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE!”  _ The plate shattered and clattered to the floor. 

“Take some deep breaths, Damien. You’re not alone, I’ll help you, okay?” 

Damien nodded. “I...I should go clean that up…”

“Damien, look at me please. I want to make sure that you're okay. I can call the school and tell them that you’re staying home tomorrow, do you want that?” His father’s glowing face smiled back at his ugly, scarred one. 

_ Ew. _

“...Yeah…” Damien nodded, wiping his eyes. “Thanks dad.”

His dad smiled back. “No problem, kiddo.”

  
  
  



	2. I Wont be Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Damien tries, and Damien fails. Just like always.  
> But maybe, this time, it was good he failed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY!! This chapter contains:  
> -Death   
> -People being asses  
> -Mentions of "KYS"  
> -Attempted suicide  
> -Depressing thoughts  
> -Mentions of child abuse (not Damien)  
> If you dont like these things!! Please dont read!!  
> Word Count: 1933

_ “Papa? Papa please wake up, papa I love you!” _

_ “He loves you too...kiddo…” _

_ “If he loved me, he would wake up and tell me this is a prank!” _

_ “Dee, don’t say that! Your papa loves you very much.” _

_ “B-but…” _

_ “Time of death, 11:11 pm. Date, Saturday, August 7th, 2018.” _

_ “Don't say that in front of my child!” _

_ “Dad, I-I'm not a-” _

_ “You’ll always be my baby.” _

~~

_ “Hey, I heard his dad died.” _

_ “Oof, well, nothing we can do about it.” _

_ “Your dad died because he couldn't stand being around  _ you!”

_ “Hey hey, guys, leave the bullying to Damien. It's the only thing he’s good at.” _

_ “And will ever be good at!” _

_ “...Leave me alone.” _

_ “Fuck no! You tormented- hey! Listen to me! Come back!!” _

_ ~~~ _

_ “Hey dad? It's Damien...um...Are you coming home soon? It's...It's been a few days and you're still not home...sorry I'm probably being a bother. I love you, goodbye.” _

_ \-- _

_ “Dad? It's uh...it's been a week...I...I’m sorry but I kinda stole some of the family money to get more groceries...I’ll pay you back, I promise!” _

_ \-- _

_ “Dad, please pick up, that wasn't your flight, right? That wasn't your flight, you're still alive, right? You’re just busy, right!? Please, please dad! Tell me it's not real! DAD!” _

_ \-- _

“Damien Picani-Sanders, I'm sorry I'm the one to inform you this...your father has passed on.”

“...the plane crash was real…”

“The plane crash was real. Pack your bags, I’ll take you in a few days to meet your foster father.”

~

“Hey, Damien. My name is Thomas, I’ll be your foster father for a few years.”

“I...I'm going to my room.”

~

_ “His other dad died.” _

_ “Really? Damn. Well, I guess it's karma for being a bitch.” _ _   
_ _ “Don't say that! No one deserves their family dying.” _

_ “Except for him.” _

~

“Damien? Is it true?”

Damien looked up from his spot in the back of the library. Virgil was hovering over him, mistrust still lingering in his eyes.

“You aren't faking it?”   
“If I were faking it, I wouldn't have a second funeral to go to in a couple of days.” He muttered. “Fuck off, Virgil. I thought you didn't need my love.”

“Don't speak to my boyfriend like that, you  _ bitch _ .” Logan hissed.

“Calm down, Lo-”

“Um...excuse me…” Damien packed his stuff and walked away.

~

_ You deserved it. _

_ They couldn't handle you, that's why they’re both dead. _

_ No one wants you around. _

_ KYS!  _

_ Why are you still in this school? _

_ Awww are you gonna go cry to your dad? Oh wait, you don't have one anymore~ _

Damien just crumpled all of the post-it notes up and threw them away. He couldn't do this. He couldn't! Everything was so hard now. He couldn't get out of bed, and he got yelled at for skipping classes or being late. Not by Thomas, of course. The man was nice enough, but he was always so busy, and he barely interacted with Damien. Not to mention that he had his own kids, Elliot, Talyn and Joan.

_ You were meant to be alone. Always. _

“I know.” Damien muttered, pushing all of his homework aside. He walked the unfamiliar hallways of his new home, toys scattered around from Thomas’s other foster child. He glanced through the doorway to the toy room; Thomas was playing with one of the younger kids. He was told that this kid’s name was Elliot. The boy was diagnosed with DID and depression despite being only 5 years old, far too young for his innocence to be ruined. Damien hated Elliot’s previous family for ruining their child like that.

_ See? Your life isn't that rough. You just want it to be so people pay attention to you, you attention whore. _

Damien winced and continued down the hallway. Two twins, ten-year-olds, Talyn and Joan ran in front of him, both covered in washable paint. Joan was trying to reach for the orange as Talyn held it out of reach. It made Damien crack the slightest hint of a smile.

_ They’re so lucky. Thomas has been the best dad to them. You can get your dads back too, you know. _

Damien’s smile fell and he continued walking. He reached the door and turned the handle, not bothering to put on a coat. He left swiftly and silently, leaving his phone in his room. It was snowing lightly, but Damien heard on the news that it wouldn't stick around long enough to make any snowmen. He sighed, his breath fogging up his face. The long walk hurt his ankles, but soon he reached his destination. Damien jumped the fence to the graveyard and walked down the aisles and aisles of gravestones.

“Hey papa, hey dad.” He muttered, sitting down in front of a headstone. The grave was decorated with wilting flowers from weeks ago. Carved into the headstones were the names of his parents;  _ Emile Picani, loved husband, father, son, and friend. December 7, 1989-August 7th, 2018.  _ Damien traced over his papa’s name, his heart aching. His eyes flicked to the name next to his papa’s, and his hand moved to trace that one.  _ Patton Sanders, loved husband, father, and friend. January 15th, 1990-January 15th, 2019.  _

“Um...I miss you guys.” He whispered, letting his hand fall. A shiver wracked his body and he shuffled closer to the headstone, as if his dads were in front of him, arms open. “Like...a lot. Everythings going wrong.” He dropped his gaze and picked up a rose, pricking his thumb over and over on the thorns until it started bleeding. Almost instantly, a breeze blew the rose from his hand. Damien glanced up to the headstone, eyes watering. 

“I...uh...sorry.” He said sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. After a moment, he curled up next to the headstone. “I...I’ll join you soon, I promise.” 

He traced the name under his dads’ names.  _ Damien Picani-Sanders, February 3rd, 2004- _ . The wind blew around him harshly as he scratched out  _ 2019  _ with a dull sharpie he found in his pocket. The sharpie was blown out of hand.

“Look, I know you don't want me to die this young,” Damien wiped his eyes free of the cold tears, “but I don't know what else to do. I don't want to live!” He shouted, pounding against the headstone. 

“Just...please...guys. You two were literally all I had left.” The wind swirled colder and harder around him. Damien’s head felt fuzzy and dizzy, he glanced above the stone with bleary eyes. Two transparents men were leaning down towards him. Out of his mouth, a whisper slipped. “...Papa? Dad?” 

As soon as he saw them, they were gone. He bit back a sob of longing. Snow clung to his hair and his toes went numb. He dropped his head and laid down fully in front of the gravestone, heavy eyelids slipping closed. The cold wind around him increased tenfold, but he ignored it. It was so cold...so very cold...and now it was warm. A comfortable warmth. The warmth didn't last long, though. Now it was far too hot. Damien sloppily struggled out of his shirt and left it under his head as consciousness was taken from him.

~

_ “DAMIEN!”  _ Virgil called frantically.  _ “DAMIEN! WHERE ARE YOU?”  _

“Are you sure he’s here, Virgil?” Roman asked, his flashlight bouncing off the graves. He shuddered. “It's cold as hell, Virge.”

“One hundred percent sure. I saw him hop the fence from my window!” Virgil looked around.  _ “DAMIEN?!”  _

Roman’s phone started ringing and he picked it up. “Roman DeSou-”

_ “Roman! We found him!”  _ Remus’s voice broke through the phone. Virgil whipped towards Roman. 

“You found him!? Where is he!?” He snatched the phone from Roman and shoved it to his ear. 

_ “Ah, aisle E4, right behind the Vietnam war veterans- Logan what do you mean he’s not breathing?!” _

Virgil threw the phone back to Roman, bolting towards aisle E4. “Roman call 911!”

Virgil got there in two seconds flat. He saw Logan’s flashlight and ran towards it, sliding next to his boyfriend. “Oh my god-Damien…” 

“He’s suffering from hypothermia, Roman called the ambulance?” Logan glanced up, his face full of panic. 

“He did, they should be here soon.” Virgil slipped off his coat and immediately wrapped it around Damien. Speak of the devil, sirens sounded and came into view. Virgil caught sight of Roman running to talk with the medics, and Remus got up to assist him. 

Virgil was staring at Damien’s pale body. His thoughts swam of what he could've done different. Maybe not be such a jerk, maybe give him a second chance, maybe shut those gossipers up in the hallway. He looked up when Logan pointed something on the gravestone. 

“...2019.” Virgil whispered. His eyes widened at the meaning. “...he meant to do this.”

He was left with these thoughts for the entire night as paramedics ran over to load Damien into the back of the ambulance, rushing him to the hospital, the others riding in the front.

~   
...warm.

It was warm.

Why was it warm? Is this how heaven felt? Or did he end up going to hell?

Damien pried his eyes open, lazily glancing around the room. He was in the hospital...why was he in the hospital!? Oh god, was Thomas going to get mad at him?! Hospital bills were so expensive...oh god…

“You’re awake! Oh my god, Damien!” 

Damien blinked and turned his head. “...Virgil?” Why was Virgil here? Didn't Virgil hate him?

“Oh... _ oh _ ...Damien you scared me  _ so bad _ …” Virgil launched towards him into a hug. “I'm so sorry, Damien  _ I'm sorry _ !”

“I…” Damien’s mouth dried up. He was dreaming, wasn't he? Virgil would never apologize to him… “What?”

“Damien...Damien you almost  _ died _ .” Virgil cried. “I-I didn't stop you...I should've been there for you...I know this years been shit but-”

“S...slow down Virgil…” Damien’s memory slowly clicked back into place.  _ Oh.  _ The graveyard… 

“I just…” Virgil sighed. “I'm  _ sorry _ .”

“You don't need to be.” He muttered. “I should be sorry. I treated you like shit, I don't deserve you.”

“Yes you do, Damien. You didn't treat me like shit, I just overreacted.” Virgil murmured, tracing the mysterious scar on Damien’s cheek. 

Damien let his head fall back onto the pillow. “Wake up.” he muttered. “This is probably all a dream.”

“It's not a dream, Dee.” Virgil said. “This is real, it's real.”

“No it's not.” He pinched his arm. “If it were real I’d be in my dads’ arms at the pearly gates.”

“Well…you’re not there...so…” Virgil sighed. “Please, Dee. This is real. I don't want you to die, I want you alive.  _ Please  _ stay, for me, if no one else?”

Damien opened his eyes and glanced over at Virgil. He was surprised to see tears spilling from his eyes. It brought tears to his eyes as well. Someone was worried for him? Someone wanted him to  _ stay?  _

He had someone...worth living for?

And that someone was Virgil, of all people?

Well, at those puppy eyes that Damien used to fall for a long, long time ago, he just couldn't say no.

“...okay.” He whispered. “I'll stay.”

“Thank you.” Virgil hugged Damien again, pressing a kiss to his hair. Damien broke down. The affection was exactly what he needed, but it was also so goddamn overwhelming. When was the last time he had been hugged? When was the last time someone’s words didn't seem like empty affection? 

No, he wouldn't leave. He played his promise on repeat, like a looping record. 

_ Okay, I’ll stay. _

  
  



End file.
